Sunday, November 16, 2008


Ok, so yes, I forget that I have this blog... and I think that because i forget, that is the reason I'm failing.
I've gained so much weight. Binge eating. My therapist says that that is normal because when you restrict for as long as I did, it ALWAYS ALWAYS without exception leads to binge eating.

She also wants me to go inpatient. As in, send me to a rehab center for eating disorders.

I'm 18, I can say no. If I say I don't want to go, the center has no legal right to take me. But I know it is the right thing to do, and I want this to be interrupted because this is possibly the worst feeling in the world, not being able to control my eating. It SUCKS.

I died my hair dark. And got a new piercing halfway up my right ear. The piercing I got on Thursday... after my therapist appt. when she told me she wanted me to go to Renfrew (the center). I looked it up online... it looks nice and its in South Florida, so not too far away.

I dont know...

Oh and on one of my subscription posts, she was talking about the Fast 5... thast basically what I do on a daily basis... but I might try it and try to limit my caloric intake even more during the 5 hours that you're allowed to eat.
And I get to start going to the gym again. yay.

Friday, November 7, 2008

Weight Goals.

ok. GOAL WEIGHTS. yesssssssssssssss.

I actually don't really know what I am right now... I'm thinking anywhere form 120-125. which is hefty. so tomorrow I have a hair appointement at 8 am. Then maybe the gym. Then the FSU game... much drinking...


My ANA history

ok. I'm really going to do this thing and do it the right way. I was so amazing at it last year; I lost over 30 pounds, so what the hell happened?!

Here is my story:
Junior year. I've always been pretty critical of myself, but in January of last year we went on our Junior Class Ski Trip and all i had to eat that entire week was basically bananas, yogurt, and hot chocolate. That was also the last time I got my period for 9 months. So the minimal eating, coupled with the skiing all day caused me to lose probably a pound or two, and I though "Wow, that was too easy... I could just stop eating as much and look what will happen!"

I got a gym membership for Christmas, so after my basketball season ended, I started going to the gym every day and I cut back on my eating, making healthier choices and just in general eating less. Honest to God, this started out as just me trying to be healthier... I never knew what it would turn into. I kept losing weight... I kept getting compliments. It was AMAZING. Then it kept escalating. The only thing I would really ingest was icees
(banana and coke mixed) and if I had dinner, I would throw it up after dinner, or at least some of it. Eating during the day? haha yeah right.

Then my guidance counselor at school pulled me out of class one day and was like, "Do you not see what you're doing to yourself?" and she had called my parents already. UGH. So I had to go to the doctor, who said that if my BMI was .2 lower, they would have had to hospitalize me. What the hell.

I didn't care though, so I kept right at it. This was about April. By this time, I was down from about 137 to 110-112 or so. Probably. So I had to start going to a therapist, who I enjoy but in all honesty, it isn't doing anything for me.

Over the summer, I went to my church camp, Camp Weed. I didn't eat almost all week. When I came out of there, I weighed 101. I couldn't have been more proud. Then my parents and I toured colleges all over North and South Carolina... and I didnt stop eating. It was terrible. I went back up to about 112. When I came back, my swim coach said, "You really need to increase your caloric intake..." and I remember thinking, like hell i will.

Then came Latin Nationals... no more eating taht week :) and I lost a bunch of that weight from SC. AAnnnnnnnnnnd then I came back and have been eating pretty much non stop since then.
I'm now at 122 or so. So from now on, I'm done.

Any support would be awesome... and I'm going to start posting what I eat for the day, as often as I can. I can't promise that this is going to be a daily updated thing... I hope it is, but I will try my best.

Tuesday, October 14, 2008

definition of "better"

People don't quite understand, you might get better, but it will always be there. Always. Crushed up in the farthest reaches of you brain maybe, but it's there. It's all I ever think about. All day. Every day. Through endless visits to doctors, swim practices, homework, dances, trips; it's there.

I don't want to get better. Actually, better from what? Nothing is wrong. So what, I choose to be thinner, healthier. Why should they stop me?

I don't do it for the attention and I sure as hell don't do it just to lose weight. It is calming. I'm in control. I am the one who decides what goes and what or when it comes out. Me, no one else. I'm in charge of my body, who cares what I do with it. It's mine!

The doctors, the therapist, the nutritionist. Ha. Always watching? Yes. Sure, I've been playing their game now for quite a while, but I can't anymore. My body has changed and I REALLY don't like it. It's making me crazy. Is that what they want? For them to be the cause of my going mental? Let me have my control back; it will all be ok then. I will go through the motions, fake it, make them believe I want to get "better." There are ways around it. No? You don't think so? Watch.

Once I get to what I think is "better", then, and only then, will it truly be ok. Then I will be better.