Tuesday, October 14, 2008

definition of "better"

People don't quite understand, you might get better, but it will always be there. Always. Crushed up in the farthest reaches of you brain maybe, but it's there. It's all I ever think about. All day. Every day. Through endless visits to doctors, swim practices, homework, dances, trips; it's there.

I don't want to get better. Actually, better from what? Nothing is wrong. So what, I choose to be thinner, healthier. Why should they stop me?

I don't do it for the attention and I sure as hell don't do it just to lose weight. It is calming. I'm in control. I am the one who decides what goes and what or when it comes out. Me, no one else. I'm in charge of my body, who cares what I do with it. It's mine!

The doctors, the therapist, the nutritionist. Ha. Always watching? Yes. Sure, I've been playing their game now for quite a while, but I can't anymore. My body has changed and I REALLY don't like it. It's making me crazy. Is that what they want? For them to be the cause of my going mental? Let me have my control back; it will all be ok then. I will go through the motions, fake it, make them believe I want to get "better." There are ways around it. No? You don't think so? Watch.

Once I get to what I think is "better", then, and only then, will it truly be ok. Then I will be better.

1 comment:

Mei said...

What you just wrote is exactly how I feel.

Exactly. Someone who finally understands.