People don't quite understand, you might get better, but it will always be there. Always. Crushed up in the farthest reaches of you brain maybe, but it's there. It's all I ever think about. All day. Every day. Through endless visits to doctors, swim practices, homework, dances, trips; it's there.
I don't want to get better. Actually, better from what? Nothing is wrong. So what, I choose to be thinner, healthier. Why should they stop me?
I don't do it for the attention and I sure as hell don't do it just to lose weight. It is calming. I'm in control. I am the one who decides what goes and what or when it comes out. Me, no one else. I'm in charge of my body, who cares what I do with it. It's mine!
The doctors, the therapist, the nutritionist. Ha. Always watching? Yes. Sure, I've been playing their game now for quite a while, but I can't anymore. My body has changed and I REALLY don't like it. It's making me crazy. Is that what they want? For them to be the cause of my going mental? Let me have my control back; it will all be ok then. I will go through the motions, fake it, make them believe I want to get "better." There are ways around it. No? You don't think so? Watch.
Once I get to what I think is "better", then, and only then, will it truly be ok. Then I will be better.
1 comment:
What you just wrote is exactly how I feel.
Exactly. Someone who finally understands.
xz
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